


Say No to Me

by exbex



Category: due South
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-08
Updated: 2011-10-08
Packaged: 2017-10-24 09:52:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/262128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exbex/pseuds/exbex





	Say No to Me

It’s a truly useless emotion, but it comes upon him in waves, early the next morning. Diefenbaker doesn’t even protest about a walk in the brisk air at five A.M., just gives him a sympathetic look, and Fraser is reminded of why they have always been companions. Half-wolf, half-dog, and an uncertain sense of placement in the world; Fraser relates.  
His guilt is not over the knowledge that Warfield’s arrest will only make a scratch on the surface of a very dark criminal element within the city, or about involving his fellow police officers in a dangerous situation. It’s not even about how he can’t stop thinking about the night Ray Vecchio risked his neck by beating on Frank Zuko. There’s a manipulation in him, Fraser knows. The manners, the pursuit of justice, the insistence on maintaining the right; it’s all honorable, but it places a certain burden on others, one that is perhaps necessary, in the long run, but one that also has a sense of futility to it.  
Then, of course, there is the reality that it’s threatening to tear him apart. There’s a contradiction within him that is less and less reconcilable as the years go on. How much longer can he do this, before he comes crashing down from his pedestal so far that he’s unrecognizable? Even now, he wonders if he could reveal his true self to anyone without scaring the hell out of all of them, or even if he knows himself well enough to do so.  
Fraser is breathing hard by the time he makes it back to Ray’s apartment, having taken a long walk and broken into a run to try to quiet his thoughts. Dief’s tongue is lolling, and Fraser gives him a scratch behind the ear and wonders if he should indulge him with sugar. It is Christmas, after all.  
Ray is still dressed in worn sweats, his hair wilder than usual, his eyes heavy with sleep. He sits on the sofa with a cup of coffee, flipping through channels with the remote, but lowers the volume when Fraser enters. “Hey Buddy, I thought maybe you took off.”  
Perhaps he should have woken Ray and let him know, but he was sound asleep, and they were not lovers, even though last night had not been the first time they had shared a bed out of exhaustion. “I’m sorry, Ray.”  
Ray shrugs. “S’alright. Want some tea?”  
“Please.”  
**  
Ray orders Chinese food and the two of them share it in companionable silence while watching It’s a Wonderful Life. It would be enough, and it is, until Ray drags him into the bathroom to check his wounds and change his bandages, even though Fraser had already tended to them that morning.  
“What the hell were you doing running that hard this morning?” It has none of the accusation or frustration that Fraser would expect from him.  
He could give a pat answer about good health, but doesn’t. “Whatever quiets the voices, Ray.”  
“Haven’t you ever heard of sex, Frase?”  
Again, Fraser has some typical responses spring to mind, but goes for naked honesty instead. “That tends to make them louder, Ray.”  
Ray, who has been focusing solely on wounds and bandages, stills, and finally forces himself to look Fraser in the eye. “What are we doing, Frase? Why aren’t we saying what needs to be said?”  
Say no to me, Fraser thinks desperately. Ray is not Victoria. Ray will not lay Fraser out, bare and vulnerable, and expose everything, every possible weakness and darkness, and exploit it. Still, all these things could come spilling out, so fast that there’s no way to stop them.  
…avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.  
Fraser doesn’t answer, simply leans into Ray, resting his head against him, perched precariously on the edge of the tub, and let’s Ray tentatively rest his hands on his head.  
“I know better now, Frase. I should’ve learned it from Stella, I guess, but y’know, hard head. I’m done asking anyone to change.” He pauses, slowly stroking Fraser’s hair. “But I know, too, you can’t tell someone not to change either. You just gotta go with the flow.”  
**  
They fumble, with their clothes, with the blankets, and when they kiss, it’s awkward, and they share nervous laughter. There’s a strange relief to this, and when Ray scrabbles on top of him, his hip bone juts uncomfortably against Fraser even at the same time that there’s pleasure, and it’s so real and imperfect and nothing like a dream, and Fraser suddenly knows that this could work.  
He says as much to Ray, who raises his eyebrows. “Glad to see you’re on board here.” Fraser responds by taking two of Ray’s fingers into his mouth, which taste like sesame chicken and nothing like snow.  
Ray closes his eyes and shudders, gripping Fraser’s shoulder with his free hand and grinding against him. It’s frightening, to spill between them and the intensity of the pleasure. Fraser counts silently, not letting go of Ray’s hand. It keeps him from panicking as he watches Ray, who lifts his head and gives a wicked grin. They go through the motions of washing themselves, brushing teeth, and Ray gives him a lingering kiss before dragging him back to bed.  
Fraser watches Ray sleep for a while before silently standing and walking out to the living room to retrieve Diefenbaker. “Easy for you to say,” he retorts, and if wolves could roll their eyes, Dief’s would be lost in the back of his head.  
The city looks the same as it always does at night. It’s not snowing and the wind isn’t blowing, and Fraser is filled with a sense of relief that he can’t explain. When he returns from his walk, Ray is still asleep, and Fraser tries to slide into bed without touching him, so that his cold skin doesn’t jar him awake. In his dreams Ray is leading him across a snowy landscape, with Dief bounding ahead.


End file.
